Most of my friends and family have probably noticed a change in me regarding what I believe and what I don’t. This has been a very difficult journey, made more difficult because much of what I once believed to be true and fervently sought after, I’ve discovered to be false. An old adage comes to mind as I reflect: “When you’re deceived, you don’t know you’re deceived”. But, by God’s grace, I’m growing and becoming more aware biblically.
For many years my faith was led by my feelings and experiences, though I never thought it was, and I never would have described it that way. In fact, I’ve quoted some of the old cliché sayings during those years: “faith and feelings are not the same,” “faith isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice,” “don’t trust your feelings, trust God,” etc. However, now that I’m looking back, I can see that when it came to my worship, prayers, and actions I leaned heavily on feelings and experience, rather than true biblical understanding.
Maybe you can relate to this. I remember standing in services at my old church during the worship portion. The lighting was low. There was a growing haze throughout the auditorium that diffused the stage lights in a way that made it easier to lose myself in the music. The music was loud and drew me in. The transitions between songs were smooth and lulling so there wasn’t a break in the emotional draw. People around me swayed to the music, as did I. Arms raised and eyes closed, feeling the presence.
Or was I?
Was I truly experiencing the presence of God in those moments, or was I experiencing a manufactured feeling of whatever the worship set was designed to draw out in that moment? Am I not always in the presence of God when I am indwelt by the Holy Spirit? Was I connecting with God during those times, or was I connecting with the music? They are not the same. And it seems that less and less self-professed Christians are able to distinguish the differences anymore. Just view any contemporary secular concert on YouTube and you’ll see the crowd and setting looks no different than many of the mega-church worship sets.
The worship experience is only a small part of the equation. Prayer is another area that I’ve had to reflect on heavily. My prayer life has been a mess when I compare it to what scripture says. I was decreeing and declaring with ‘my authority in Christ’, asking for confirmation from God in multiple forms so I would know I was in His will, demanding the world and the enemy come into submission, regularly listening for God’s still, small voice, and practicing many other concerning methods of prayer. But Jesus’ instruction to us is different than all of those. A much more humble approach to God in prayer than I’d become accustomed to…
“This, then, is how you should pray: ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.'” -Matthew 6:9-13
Many people who I know and love have been taught the same things I was taught about prayer. One teaching in particular was that talking to God is only half of the equation, and quietly listening for God was the other half. Regretfully, I’ve taught other people about this method. One exercise to practice hearing God’s voice was counting to 10, but only counting the first five numbers out loud, then counting the last five in your mind. I was taught this is what God’s voice would sound like in my head – just like my own. There were a few parameters around this to help determine if it was my voice, the enemy’s voice, or God’s voice. Typically, the parameters were along the lines of: If it’s negative, it’s the enemy. If it’s task-oriented or normal daily-life-oriented, it’s me. If it’s positive, encouraging, lines up with God’s character, etc., it’s God.
“So Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing. For whatever the Father does, that the Son does likewise. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all that he himself is doing. And greater works than these will he show him, so that you may marvel. For as the Father raises the dead and gives them life, so also the Son gives life to whom he will.” -John 5:19-21
As far as I have been able to determine, this method is not demonstrated as an example for us to replicate anywhere in scripture. Jesus said that He only did and said what He saw and heard the Father doing, but He didn’t say that we are able (or should attempt) to do the same. Yet, this is a leap that I have heard made, and one I’ve assumed in the past, myself. So when the blinders of deception were finally removed from me regarding the New Apostolic Reformation (NAR – definition listed below), seeker-sensitive, prosperity, and Word of Faith (WoF) movements, it created many dilemmas for me. For example: How do I connect with God now? If I’m not “feeling His presence” or “hearing His voice” all the time, how will I know and love Him? A friend answered a similar question in a different conversation, and her insights were so good and helpful that I felt it was important to share them:
“This is certainly a common thing… The problem is that over the years you’ve ‘connected’ with God (if you have) via your emotions. When your emotions get taken out of the equation how do you love God? The Bible tells us: Jesus said, ‘If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.’ (John 14:15). Obeying Jesus, wanting to obey Him although we fail so often, can seem dry, hard work and it’s certainly nothing like the emotional high people might have been used to. But it’s Biblical and the more we obey, the more we fix our eyes on Jesus (Heb 12:2), the more we love Him. And we can connect with God by reading Scripture and learning about Who He is, His character, what pleases Him and what doesn’t. The more we read, the more we learn, the more we become in awe of Him and what He’s done for us, and out of that grows love. It’ll never be the kind of ‘love’ that brings the spiritual highs you’re used to, but it will be something real.”
This hit home. Hard. And unearthed a new question to wrestle with: Am I connecting with God in the way that He said I should if I’m one of His sheep? I’m so accustomed to the idea of sitting quietly after praying and waiting for a response… but if it’s not a normative example or even an instruction to us in scripture, what had I been counting as God’s voice in the past? My own imagination? Sadly, I believe that’s probably the case. Of course, this whole journey is completely changing my prayer life… and I’ll admit, most of the time I find it harder to pray now. I suppose any change is hard at first though, and I suspect that with time my new prayer habits won’t seem so foreign.
In a surprising twist, this new approach to prayer has been a bit of a relief. I no longer have the burden of trying to quiet my mind (which is not scriptural anyway) to try to hear God and then hope that I am discerning Him correctly. Phew! That was SUCH a heavy weight to carry!! I no longer have to be on the look out for the “confirmation” that I am in His will for whatever I’m praying about. -Let’s face it, that’s not scriptural either. In fact, we’re told NOT to test God, and if I’m completely honest, I was basically asking for signs, which is much more akin to the new age or astrology than Christianity. Now, I know that I’m in God’s will if I’m living mindfully of what He already said in scripture. I don’t need constant fresh revelation from God… as it is, I do a poor enough job with the Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth that He gave us. Why do I feel I need more??
“And Jesus answered him, ‘It is said, “You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.”‘” -Luke 4:12 ESV
Here’s the thing. It’s not about me ‘doing’ good or enough, anyway. God already did it. Jesus took care of the heavy lifting for me. I get to live in God’s mercy and grace no matter what my circumstances look like because circumstances don’t matter nearly as much as the eternity with God that’s coming after this life. If I lose my job, my hope is in Jesus, not money or another job. If I lose my husband or my children, my hope is in Jesus, not my family. If my car breaks down, my hope is in Jesus, not another mode of transportation. If I get sick, my hope is in Jesus, not my insurance or healthcare providers. If I lose friends because of a change in theology, my hope is in Jesus, not in the approval of people. If America crumbles, my hope is in Jesus, not a political leader or structure. And in any of these instances, I get to praise God because nobody can take that relationship from me. Satan and man can destroy the things of this life, but they cannot destroy my soul. And THAT is enough. God owes me nothing, but He gave me eternity with Him because He wanted to.
“I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him! Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.” -Luke 12:4-7 ESV
Somewhere I lost sight of all that is good and beautiful and perfect and pleasing to God with all of the extra nonsense that comes from the movements I listed above. Somewhere along the way, I turned my focus back to me and I began carrying the burdens of my life. There are no magical formulas to prayer, worship, or works that can make this life look or feel like heaven. It simply won’t happen. The teachers and preachers who tell you it will are deceived and/or deceiving for personal gain. I was deceived like them once. I sincerely apologize to anyone who sat under my past heretical teachings and to anyone who I was an influence to. If you knew me then and you want a personal apology, please comment below or message me. I am still working on taking down all of my past content that is incorrect. In the meantime, I hope that you will consider all that I have said here. If you would like more information on how to begin discerning the true gospel from a false one, please reach out to me and I can give you some resources.
Blessings,
Robin ❤
NAR as defined by Wikipedia (it’s a surprisingly accurate description): “The New Apostolic Reformation (NAR) is a movement which seeks to establish a fifth branch within Christendom, distinct from Catholicism, Protestantism (which includes Pentecostalism), Oriental Orthodoxy, and Eastern Orthodoxy. The movement largely consists of churches nominally or formerly associated with Pentecostal denominations and Charismatic movements but have diverged from traditional Pentecostal and Charismatic theology in that it advocates for the restoration of the lost offices of church governance, namely the offices of prophet and apostle.” Here’s a link to the Wikipedia page if you want to know more. Also, here’s a link to a related blog post that is helping me through a bit of my journey.
TransformerGirl Blog 